Dreams

I lay in bed, and I close my eyes, waiting for that blissful moment when the dreams roll in, and sleep comes to claim me. I listen to the sound of my fan turning, feel the wonderfully cool air mingling with the warmth of my blankets and the soft pillows beneath my head. I can hear the chirping of the birds, morning is fast approaching. I wait, and yet, nothing happens. 

I feel my heart rate begin to pick up, and I know it's going to be another sleepless night, mingled with a not so sleep filled day. Like the day before that, and the day before that.

I get up, take 4 low dose aspirin, crawl back into bed, and wait to see if it helps. If not, I'll have to find another way.

To me, sleep is the most wonderful feeling in the world. The feeling of fatigue, calm, quiet relaxation, and the wonderful excuse of not having to leave your bed. You enter a world where anything can happen; good, bad, wonderful, frightening, or a strange mixture of both, sometimes in surprising detail. Some of my best stories have been the result of a dream, and it still mystifies my friends to this day. 

I love the feeling of waking up after a dream. That slow wakening, the sounds of life coming back, the sense of waking, the looseness your muscles have, the way your bed feels warm, soft, comfortable, inviting you to spend more time in it. 

Dreams have a way of resetting your view of the world, taking away pain, bringing back memories of better times, or creating new ones with faces of people now gone from the waking world. 

Lately, I've been working so hard trying to get everything for YouTube that I haven't slept, and I miss being able to curl up in bed at the end of a long shift, feeling that wonderful fatigue, and then slipping back into the world I crave. 

Writing has the same effect, and I think it's because I haven't been writing lately. My mind is so full of ideas, and they constantly churn. I thought having a blog would help, and it has helped to get my mind free and clear of worries, woes, small ideas for the night, but a worry over the bigger projects remain. I think I need to find time everyday to start working on stories again, so I can get them out of my head and on paper or on screen where they belong. 

Writing is my passion. Nothing is better than losing yourself to a conducive song, being swept up in the moment you're creating, looking in the eyes of the characters your character is interacting with, hearing their voices inside your head feed you the answers to what you create. If you haven't ever written a story, even a short one, you will never understand the high. If you draw, it's like the idea of what to draw, where, when, what to include, and then a flash of an idea on how to make it better. If you do woodworking, or metalwork, or even creating amazing cake designs, it's like watching that block of wood, metal, or cake dough, start to come to life, putting all the pieces together, and seeing the idea of what you want it to be inside your head; then, taking the small, slow steps in creating it, having ideas of what to add to make it pop, be bigger, be grander, and then watching as all the ideas fit into place. That high is the most addicting thing in the world, and I miss it.

I keep psyching myself out; I start writing, and then I think I'm not going to do as well as I used to, and then I get scared, and I stop before I've even put words on the paper. Then, I get frustrated because I want to fill up that paper. I want to see the ideas in my head, be lost in that moment, and just ride the wave. 

I'm going to try over the next few days. I'm going to fight and work, and make it comes true. I can't stand not sleeping. It's mentally and physically exhausting. 

Today, after I fix and upload the video, I'm going to rest for a bit, and then do nothing but write to my hearts content. I'm not going to worry about spelling, punctuation, grammar, or thinking the ideas are a waste of time. I'm just going to write, and see where the road takes me,

I hope you can do the same ^__^