Life: Greater Every Day

Oh Readers,

I wish I could describe to you how happy it makes me to be able to write my thoughts. 

To be able to bring forth everything in my heart that I'm not able to express to anyone else. And when I see the +1 on my blog it lightens my heart. It means that someone understands, has been in my place, and is listening. For whomever that is, thank you.

I wanted to say that a recent decision I made has been hard. I gave up on taking the Ambien. It wasn't helping my condition anymore, and I knew there was only one true option for me to not feel as I did before. I've started taking the over the counter nausea pills again to combat the condition and to sleep at night. My body got too used to the medicine before and it wasn't helping the way I needed it. This way, I can sleep at night and not have to feel my body driving me crazy every single hour of the day and night. I can feel normal again.

I've also been looking at my life and what I need to do to make things right within it. 

My thoughts sometimes stray to my ex, and how much I miss belonging to someone, but at the same time, I go back over everything that happened while I was with him, and it makes me realize that I never want to be in that position again. 

I won't be someone's personal prostitute. I won't do things I'm uncomfortable with just to keep someone loving me and in my life and on their good graces. I won't give up what I want to do in my life because it isn't what the other person wants to do with theirs and therefore wants me to give up so they don't feel bad about their own choices and decisions, or because they want you to just focus on what THEY want to do in life. I also think back to the times I was groped in public, had my ass grabbed when I wasn't comfortable with it, and be made to live on a sexual quid-pro-quo system when I wanted something myself. I also don't want to have live my life and who I want to be surrounding a television show and their codes.

Truth be told, I've been taking a long look at myself and realizing who I am, and what I want in my life. I may not be beautiful, or thin, or quick of wit, a genius, or overly gifted, but I am amazing in my own way, and I can finally say that without feeling like I'm vain. I have my faults and I proudly accept them. I even took the time to write down what I like about myself; my talents, my hobbies, what I love about life, and everything I want to do, and even though to some I would sound like a supernaturally boring person (I say it this way because I have been in called those exact words, but rather in this format: "You are a supernaturally boring person, who lives behind a camera lens, and your art is plagiarism"), but in truth, what is boring to one is perfect to another. 

I love the night. I don't like working nights even though I'm up all night. I like to have my nights free to do as I wish. Along with this, I love the moon, the stars, the clouds, the wind, the rain, the sun on winter days, the snow, and the smell of honeysuckle. 

I love my ability to write almost any scenario from scratch.

I love my photographic eye and the ability to capture the beauty of almost anything that life has to offer. 

I love cooking and baking, reading, sewing, listening to music, listening to old radio shows while I eat eggs and toast and sip on hot tea, writing, drawing (even though I'm not very good at it), and taking photographs of my crow alter ego to later edit and share so I can see the other life in the pictures and feel at ease once more. 

I don't party, I don't drink, I don't eat fast food, I rarely eat out, I prefer to spend my nights doing as I please, and sometimes with a few close friends, but never to clubs or any place with loud music and a lot of people. 

I love natural magic (I'm a Pagan), and I love everything natural, good, and beautiful. 

And even though my life may seem lonely, I'm not. I don't need someone around me, not even for pleasure (I feel that part of yourself is only for the one who wants to be with you for longer than a month), and even though I sometimes do wish I had someone to cuddle me and tell me they love me, I don't need it. Because the day I do want that, I don't want it to be because they think I'm hot and want a piece of me. I want it to come from someone who can't stand another moment away from me, who wants to be with me for the rest of our lives, wants a home, a family, a future. I have dreams that I won't sacrifice for someone else, and I want someone who understands and accept that because they have dreams that they wouldn't give up for the world, and yet we find a way to have a life, and feel the love of the ages. 

It seems silly, I know, and most will say that a love like that doesn't really exist, but I think that it does. You just have to find it. And I will one day. Until then, I'm going to chase my dreams, and be happy with myself, and change for no one. And if people think that's lonely, or boring, and it makes me a person they don't want to get to know, then I am content being who I am and knowing who my friends are.

I hope you get to find this part of yourself one day. Once you stop worrying about what people think, about changing for someone, about being what someone wants you to be, you become so free you could fly on invisible wings towards the horizon, and feel the world come to your fingertips. The days become beautiful, and everyday is Spring, for me Fall, because the colors change, the cold comes, and the feel of beauty is in the air; perfect, clean, and gentle. I come alive in the fall, but also calm, ethereal, and someone I want to be always. 

My love to you all readers. I hope to meet you all one day. Know you are beautiful, strong, and perfect. 

Goodnight my loves.