Being Me

So much has happened between now and last year, and the differences are nothing short of amazing. I am enrolled in college for the Spring semester, and I will make sure to be funded for the fall. I have all the prospects in the world to get done what I have always wanted, and I'm going to see it accomplished. The major difference has come internally, rather than external. No longer do I bow to others, including my own family. My mother is a narcissist and my father, well, he'd rather bury his head in the sand and criticize than do anything constructive. My siblings and I don't speak, and I'm okay with that. I have brought my life to a point where it is tolerable for me. I don't take on friends just to have them, or stick in friendships that I know are toxic and will not help me become better in the long run. I am more dedicated than ever to my YouTube channel, and I am to see it through. I have come to meet some amazing people, and with their help, we have created such beautiful worlds that no one can ever imagine existed. I am proud, each and every day, to work with these people. I wake up and immediately check my phone to see what they have posted, and get butterflies in my stomach when I look down at my phone and see their little chat heads on the screen. I love hearing about their days, and role playing in the stories we've created. Most people would see my life as boring. All it consists of are books, school, role playing, having fun with my friends, cleaning, cooking, podcasts, YouTube, then bed. They'd say I need to travel and see the world, but in my mind, I've seen so many beautiful places, and I feel as if my life is nearing completion. As I stand outside at night, i still dream of moving far away, and by next year I plan to make that a reality. i want my own home, away from here. Where there's not 15 cats and two dogs, plus two grown adults being rude and making noise. I want to lay down at night and listen to my fan turn and know that if I don't have work the next day, I can sleep in, or wake at my usual time and just lay in bed until it's time to go to sleep again. I won't have to hear my name called and have the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can be free, safe and warm in my own house. Next year... it has to be next year... it WILL BE next year. I love who I am, and I'm done feeling guilty. I don't go to parties or drink. I like to stay at home and role play or play video games with friends on Discord and enjoy the peace surrounding, knowing that when I've had my fill I can just turn it all off and be in the solitude. I had that once upon a time; a place where, at night, the atmosphere was peaceful, and I could do what I wanted without fear of judgment. I could sit outside on my balcony and drink a beer or a hot cup of tea, sit in the living or bed rooms and play video games or watch TV. I could soak in the tub in candlelight for an hour, then dry off, crawl into bed at dawn and sleep until nighttime. I could write in perfect silence, and not have to hear a knock at the door, or my name be called, telling me to do their bidding so they could rest some more, even when they haven't done anything for days, or in my mom's case, years. I have this dream... this idea of beauty and perfection... It's going to come, and I will be perfectly free. Don't ever stop being yourself. Let others say what they want. At the end of the day, when you lay your head on that pillow, all that matters is you can look at yourself and like what you see. If there are those surrounding you who don't like it, or are uneasy, they can take their leave and make room for those who WILL love you. There is always someone... somewhere... Never give up trying to find it. Life is beautiful... it's what you make of it. Mine is clad in white Christmas lights wrapped around the ceiling, books lining shelves around the room, a comfortable bed, a computer or writing desk in the corner, and the knowledge of good friends that will always be there for me. if that isn't beautiful... then I will never what truly is. Be yourself. Love yourself. Live free in the beauty of the world.