It's taken a while to get back in the swing, and though I'm not sure if this will be permanent, I'm going to try. For so long in my life I've been lax at continuing projects I've started. I don't know if it's the feeling of inadequacy or the knowledge that once it's finished I won't have anything in front of me, but it's been a lifelong struggle. The only way out is through and I intend to see it head in that direction.
The year has been fraught with developments, struggles, and more of the same nonsense that's carried through the whole of my life.
I went back to school and completed six classes, two by the same teacher and I deeply regret it. There was little enjoyment for it the first time around and even though I like history, I was a fool to hope it had gotten better. Now that's it's finished, I feel a sense of ease that I haven't had in quite some time.
The house has become bothersome. More of the ceiling fell in and we were struggling with rain buckets. The tarps my father nailed to the roof were ripped off by the high winds and the amount of rain was staggering. We finally acquired a large enough tarp to cover the bad spots and now we can simply sleep through the storm without having to empty the water out the front door.
However, after a particular dreadful downfall, the whole of the living room ceiling came down and Visclean (heavy duty plastic) was put in its place. It's unfortunate but it feels cleaner than it has in some time and part of the mold problem has taken care of itself. We're taking baby steps to get the house sorted so we can leave. In turn, I'm working to find a job and get a checking account set up so I can have my own place.
My mother has become more bothersome than ever and it's taking its toll on everyone.
She was placed on Suboxone by a new physician after losing her old one due to a failed urine test. Everything was working fine for a while, until they decided to up the dosage and she began acting strangely. She started to trip over her own two feet, her emotions spiraled from crying to calm, then to anger and lashing out, and back to calm, often times becoming violent, a new sense of paranoia came over and she found horrible hobbies to occupy her time, mainly dumpster diving and hoarding the house with crap. Sadly, even after losing that doctor for another dirty UA, she's back to buying medication. Unfortunately she hasn't changed; she still dumpster dives and thrift store shops, lashes out, is derogatory and hurtful, but now things are different at home.
My father, fed up with having to take out loans because bills weren't being paid, took control of the finances; the electricity was days away from being shut off (again), the car payment was a month overdue, and he had $60 in late fees from the loans. Yet, after seeing how much everything is, he'd beginning to have more patience with my mother. The amounts have been staggering but with this knowledge he's less grumpy and I don't fear the tide when he comes home from work. He and I are something of best friends (for the first time in the whole of my life), and I have an ally I can turn to. He's told me time and again that if my mother ever asks for money to tell him and now I can. The last time she tried to steal a $1,200 check and withhold it. She was going to forge my name and deposit it. I tried to leave and she physically assaulted me. However, after returning the favor, she's understanding her place. I'm not happy about what I did, but she's hurt my mentally and sometimes physically for 27 years and I couldn't stand by another moment and let her abuse me. I'm not at all proud of it but it hasn't happened since. Especially after my father discovered what happened.
The ex that had been harassing me finally ceased, finding comfort with HIS ex. He did try to message once but I blocked the account and nothing has continued; no comments on my YouTube channel, late night drive by to see what's happening, phone calls, text message, or statements on my Facebook page. I'm abstaining from anything too serious because I don't want to be back in the same boat. I'm tired of being tied down, forced to involve everyone in the things I want to do. More outgoing than I used to be, I now join a weekly D&D session, spend weekends at my friend's house across the street, make new YouTube content (can be found at Candlelitsoul), and write stories on Wattpad (found by searching CandleLitNovelist).
My demeanor has also changed; I've become something of a realist, looking at what's plausible rather than imagined, the advice I give is blunt and to the point (I can't abide foolishness anymore. It's sad but it's what I have to do to survive), my belief structure has enhanced and I know what I want of it, and my sense of being and style is now more aligned with hippy. Though I still cling to my dark ways, I wear colors of blue, yellow, brown, and dark green when it suits me. I'm not afraid to be myself and create beautiful things in Minecraft (for these, you can find me on Instagram at Candlelitsoul). I have dreams of owning my own home, having one garden for crops, a greenhouse for herbs, and living miles away from another person (though not too distant from a hospital just in case I need its services). I want to see the beauty that is Bar Harbor, Maine, and take up a home. I found one Zillow and it's stunning.
I know I don't have to, but I want to apologize to those that follow my blog. My head hasn't been in a right spot since my cycle has stopped coming (not once in well over a year), several animals passed away (we went from 27, to 17, to 12, now to 7), and I came to know that narcissism is the name for my mother's attitude and being. It's taken a long road to get where I can feel settled but I'm glad it's happened the way it has. Now at 32, I've taken off my blinders and the world makes more sense. I'm going to work hard to gain back your love and trust. I always tell people that once it's broken, it takes a journey to find it, and I won't be lax this time. Besides, I love writing, and what better place to make people smile than here?
I long to hear from all of you, and I hope that you've been well. If you haven't, I want to be there to help you through the darkness and into the light. You're wonderful the way you are and you should never change to suit another. Like what you like, be who you wish to be (so long as it isn't detrimental to you or someone else), and fly high when you have the wings on your back. You're amazing and I love you for everything you are.
Goodnight, dear readers. I have a cracked tooth and have to be up early to find a cheap, affordable, but decent dentist to treat the infection and hopefully extract it. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Love you always,
Candle
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