Recovery Is A Road, A Journey, A Lesson In Strength and Truth

It felt so good being able to speak up.

I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Tomorrow, even though the beans arrived and they smell GOD AWFUL!, I'm going to take the day to do a vlog for YouTube.

A friend of mine told me to do vlogs about my life, because people want someone they can relate to, someone who can take them on a journey and what's better than this journey back from addiction? Because that's basically what it is; an addiction to anything that will make me sleep, and a journey through the road of PSAS.

There were times today that were difficult to deal with; when I was so turned on I contemplated relieving it, but I knew it wouldn't do any good, and I didn't even want to. I didn't want it to get worse, or have to do it a second time just to make it go away. So I grit my teeth, chewed on some chocolate, sucked down some green tea, and amused myself with YouTube. It took some doing, but I managed to ride it out, and I'm going to continue doing that until the 24th when I see Dr Babb, or when the symptoms actually go away.

The hardest part is going to sleep and waking up. Mainly because going to sleep without an aid isn't easy, nor when your vaginal walls keep spasming and your genitals pulse. It's painful, unwanted, and makes you feel ashamed that you can't control it. It makes you not even want to be around people. Waking up, all you can think of is when it will start again, how much time until it kicks in and you have to start the fight again. It literally consumes your life, and makes you so ashamed.

It's currently 4:54am and I'm tired. I have green tea ready, chocolate at the ready, and I'm going to sit down, watch a funny YouTube video and try to sleep.

Later on, I'm going to try out gmod jailbreak because it looks AMAZING!

I do want to say though that I had an interesting chat with a bird.

Yes, a bird.

I went outside to walk the dogs, and a little bird is sitting in the tree chirping away. I copied one particular sound he made (I wish I could recreate it here), and it actually answered me back! But I also think he's been listening to a lot of car alarms because I swear he's the perfect alarm for anyone that does have one!

And the cool morning air felt so good. It was absolutely wonderful outside. The perfect blend of calm, peaceful, and magical.

I can't wait until this PSAS is over with and I can enjoy it as I once did without having to worry about symptoms or shame.

That's where the journey comes in, and I want to make it known so people don't feel alone. That there is hope, and they can find a peaceful place to rest, away from the conditions and the symptoms.

Here's hoping.

Goodnight lovelies. May your day be bright, wonderful, and full of opportunities.