Last week, a friend's daughter, who has come to look at me as something of a role model, was committed to a facility because she was going through a rough time. I'm not going to go into the specifics because I will respect the privacy of that family, but when I heard what she had said about wanting to leave the house in the middle of the night and not come back, it made me think back to my own youth, and how I would always make a plan to do just as she had done, and never look back.
As a child, my parents fought, and because I'm the only child with both of my parent's DNA, I was put in the line of fire a lot. I was privy to every argument, every insult, and had to come to know two sets of rules, and two sets of personalities.
My mom was always the one to lift me up, and help me realize things in life. She always made me feel like my ideas mattered, but when she was angry, you had to stay out of the line of fire. Even though she was mad at my dad, she would find a way to bring you into the argument, and her anger would be directed at you, mainly because dad never stuck around to fight it out with her. To this day, she still maintains that way of handling her anger, and she loves to try to control everything in life.
My dad was halfway my protector. He would try to keep mom's anger from being directed at me, and he taught me about not taking life for granted. He gave me a sense of stability, and would listen to me whenever I ranted and raved about my mom; he still does. But, he was always controlling. Even when we went clothes shopping, I could get what I wanted, but I had to choose from HIS selection of clothes. He never likes my writing, or my other hobbies, and would never let me have time to just sit and think. I had to always be DOING something, or I was considered lazy. He still thinks this unfortunately.
It was during these moments that I would sit and dream, and hatch plans to leave. I always had plans to either find a sibling to take me in, or a friend, but as I got older, and I placed myself in the hands of a horrible man, I put together a different plan, and it was beautiful. I didn't think about the people I would be leaving behind. And yeah it still hurts, but at the same time I find it beautiful, and I still hope to make it happen one day.
I have always wanted to the town of Salem. I imagined myself selling whatever I owned, hopping a bus, and even though I wouldn't have a place to stay, I would find someone, even a church to give me shelter while I found a job. I wanted to work in the witch shops they had there, and I imagined myself getting a job, working somewhere I loved, saving up money, and getting an apartment or a small house. I would be therefor every Halloween, every season, loving the cool air, the atmosphere, the sense of home and happiness, especially since I wouldn't have to be privy to arguments, disputes, and hatred towards one another.
All I needed to find was the courage, and though part of me wishes I had found out because it would have saved me from a lot of the bullshit I went through, I wouldn't have become the person I am now, and I wouldn't have the appreciation for life that I do now. I wouldn't have grown up, I wouldn't have met these wonderful people, or found the strength to stand up to those around me, and go my own way in life.
I may be 30 and still live at home with my family, but I have an appreciation for my life and myself that I never had, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I wrote a letter to Zoey, and I told her that her mental illness doesn't define who she is. I told her that I would never use it against people to gain my way because when you do, you lose any and all respect that people have thus far given you, and it makes it harder later for them to trust you. I told her that even though Jessica wasn't her biological mom, she had helped saved her from her bio mom, and she would always be there to help her. I told her to not be afraid of this illness, because it doesn't make you any different than what you are, it just means you've had a journey that most don't understand. I told her I was proud of her. It takes a lot to admit when you need help, and brave to continue on through it all.
And I told her everything I wrote here; about wanting to leave, and how I now realize that if I had, there would have been a high chance of me not coming back, especially since I didn't think about the dangers, only the rewardsm nor did I think about what my parents would have done; never speaking to me again, blocking me from contacting them, shaming me everywhere, and I didn't want to lose their respect. I don't care what people think of me, but I like having their respect, because it means that I am doing something good with my life, and it means that I'm trustworthy. Trust is easy to lose and hard to gain back. I don't want to see her go through that when it can be avoided.
I hope that my letter did some kind of good, and that she keeps going forward. Her grandmother may be shaming me by telling my friend that because I don't have kids, I don't have any right to encourage them in anything, write them letters, or give them advice. She thinks that because I'm not married, and I don't have kids, I can't encourage children. And because I'm not a Christian, I'm the devil in her eyes. I was proud of my friend and her husband for standing up for me. Her mother has openly called me stupid on Facebook, but I just laugh. With every word she speaks against me, she becomes more the hypocrite. I don't relish in it, or take pride in it. I just understand that's how some people are, and it makes me glad to have understanding people in my life.
I have been down a road and seen things that most wouldn't understand. I hope the wisdom I do have can help her and others like her. Even if it touches only one person, I have made a difference somehow.
the world turns, and past ideas have been made new in the mind of the new generation. That's when the old need to step forward, and teach those lessons so the new don't fall. Here's hoping we can help that future.
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