I'm not feeling well tonight, but I have been sitting down with myself and thinking about things.
I still have the want for a better life, and after the events of tonight, I want it more than ever.
I won't go into what exactly happened, but I know that I'm disgusted more than ever by all of it. Things like having to scrub cabinets and seeing the water black, even after soaking the window blinds and not able to see the bottom of the sink, vacuuming and having to empty the canister 6 times before you stop picking anything up, awake till the early morning hours because you're taking care of animals that aren't even yours, just ones your parents decided to feed.
I don't want this life anymore. So much goes on that people aren't aware of.
As I said, I won't go in to what happened tonight, but I will explain about my life, so people can understand.
I'm the only child of both my parents, but I have two half brothers and a half sister. I think of myself as an only child because of what my siblings have done to my parents and myself. My sister is a sociopath, a user, and only calls my parents when she wants money, but she has no problem calling them out for their parenting style and way of life on Facebook. My brother, the middle child, is an addict to pain pills and other forms of pain relief. He only comes around, helps out, and calls when he wants to bitch about someone, or try to get pain medicine from my father. My eldest brother is an ass to a T. He sold my grandfather's china cabinet that was given to my mother. She asked him to hold onto it so nothing would happen, and he claimed that because it was in his house it was legally his property and he had "every right to sell it". He used to physically abuse me as a child, not only grabbing me and throwing me around, but also sexually for about a month before my mother caught wind, and then emotionally. He would sometimes pound on my door and scare the life out of me. It came to a head when I was 16 and almost choked him out during an anger black out. He never touched me again. If his friend hadn't been there, I might have killed him. He moved away after that.
None of them have ever come around, not when my father was in the hospital after back surgery, not when my mother was in the hospital and not able to breathe because of smoking. I'm the only one that has ever stayed to take care of them, ever helped them out when they've needed it, despite my own fears, my own wants, because I know it's the right thing to do. When your parents need you, you're supposed to be there. But during all this, when my own frustration comes to a head, I don't have anyone to turn to for advice, no one to bitch to, no one to call in to take my place, even for a day, when I need it most. I have only myself in the end, and sometimes my parents, but not when they have their own shit going on. This has been my life since I can remember, but after watching recent events unfold, I've grown tired of this life, and with my 30th birthday rapidly approaching, I want something more. A home of my own, a love, a family. A place where I don't have to worry about it falling down or apart, worry about money and people getting mad when it runs out, no abundance of animals. Just quiet, calm.
I have this image of me in a white farmhouse, out in the country, fresh breeze every day, back door open at lunch time with me in the kitchen, making lunch, Celtic music on the radio as I dance around, waiting for my love to come in and enjoy it with me. Spending nights wrapped up in a blanket, on a couch by the fire, reading a novel with a hot cup of tea beside me. I want it so bad I can taste it. I used to think to get it I would have to be with someone, not able to get it for myself. But I know I was lying to myself. I don't need anyone but myself. Another if I choose, but really myself. I want to do it. I want it before I'm 33. I want what I used to. It matters more to me than anything.
Starting tomorrow, not later today but actual tomorrow, I work on making it happen. I have to. I can't stand this life anymore. There's nothing in it. not for me. I'll still help them, but I can't stay here and have my life go the way I want it. Not when I have to work around someone's else's wishes, someone else's time line, someone else's schedule. I can't.
It's not right, or fair.
Time to get the show on the road. in 3 years, I'll have my life back ^__^
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