For the First Time

Dreaming is always the most beautiful part of the night, especially when it rains. The atmosphere is peaceful and resonates with an ease I have never seen replicated. At night, I fall asleep with ease, unable to contain my joy for the dreams I will have, whether good or bad. Both help to erase my thoughts of the day, or distract me from the bad.

However, life is never without a curve ball, and the last time one was thrown I was in this very room, and in the dream I burned two girls alive in a dresser, all for being everything I hate.

I could see their charred remains, but they glowed just like firewood when burned, their skin flaky like bark, and red hot through the cracks between. It took me a week to recover from that. I can now look back and not be affected. But last night's dream, I won't be able to shake for quite some time.

Most people don't know that I have a fear of the ocean, but I also have a fear of water I can't see beneath. Floodwaters terrify me. You never know what may be beneath, and the devastation is overwhelming. Last night, I dreamt of those same waters, and I am now afraid to sleeping for fear of waking in that same scenario.

The waters were rising, and I told a woman that she needed to pack and leave, or risk losing her life to those waters. She did as I told her, but then the dreamed, and it was me who was taking that advice.

I was in my room, furiously packing everything I couldn't stand to lose. I turned to my parents and asked what we were going to do with the dogs and cats, and they said there was nothing we could do. We would be leaving them. The horror overtook me when I realized we were leaving them to die. The look on my dogs face was one of sheer terror. We left the windows and doors open, but I knew it wouldn't matter. I grabbed my chihuahua and ran to the car, too afraid to look back. I didn't want to see them, to see that look in their eyes when they realized what was happening. I didn't want to keep with me the knowledge that I did nothing to help them, and I was saving my own skin instead of saving theirs.

That one look from my dog haunts me even now. "It was only a dream", you may be saying, but have you ever looked in the eyes of an animal who is so overcome with fear that you can feel it in your own body?

Have you ever had to leave an animal behind and seen that look in their eyes as they realize you're never coming back?

If you haven't, then you are fortunate. But that dream has me in a panic still, and as much as I yearn to close my eyes and sleep, I'm too afraid of what will come. I don't want to be there again. I don't want to abandoned those animals. I can't feel that overwhelming fear take over. It's like the worst panic attack you will ever have, only you feel it more because you're body is not burdened by every day distractions. You're powerless under it, and in you're weakened state, you can't fight back. It's like an electric shock, a thousand volts straight through your body. I don't want it again.

I need to sleep, but I'm afraid.

Keep me in your thoughts, dear readers, and send me your protective light. I need it so badly tonight.

My love to you all.