Afraid

I wanted to insert an inspiration quote here, to make the opening more of a grand style, and get people to think, but honestly, tonight I don't have it in me. I'm just too tired, too sick, and too scared. What do I mean by this? Allow me to explain. As I sit here, half out of my mind because of my medication, feeling like a child has inhabited my body, and they're been told something terrifying; something their minds can't yet comprehend, but they know the severity of it. I can't think straight, I can't act normal, and I don't know how to combat it. It's like, I'm in a permanent state of fear, and I will never recover. In the last hour, I have taken my antispasmodic to help my stomach spasms stop. Why would I need to do that, you're probably asking? Once a month, or once every two months if I'm lucky, I go through what's called a, "dumping syndrome", which means that the normal spasms a stomach has are increased. Any food that I take in, my stomach spasms push the food out before it has a chance to process, and gain nutrients from it. It pushes it into my lower intestine, and colon, and then I have an IBS attack, and it pushes out more than I've taken in. Sadly, if I've caught the dumping too late, the antispasmodic doesn't have a chance to work, and gets pushed out. When this happens, I usually end up in the emergency room, hooked to an IV while they give me nausea medication, and a shot of the same medication in my hip so it can get through where it needs to be. I'm honestly trying not to let that happen. I also took half of a Norco, and a less drowsy nausea pill. My stomach hurts horribly. It feels like Freddy Kruger is trying to claw his way out of my stomach, while giving me nausea. I may also have a cyst on my ovary that is contributing, but I'm unsure. I'm only halfway here. Lastly, my heart palpitations have started again. I don't know if it's because I'm coming down with something, but it could be the spasms in my stomach doing it. I took two puffs of an inhaler, but it didn't help. So, can rule out an illness. I am not myself. My mind is fogged over, I'm more distracted than usual, and every 5 or so minutes, I start having a minute long panic attack. Thoughts of death roll through my head, and I can't halfway face them. I know that it's the medication doing this, and I could easily never take it again, but I have nothing else to treat this with. Gatorade, Powerade, Pedialyte, protein bars, meal replacement bars, meal shakes, crackers, milk, tea; these only go so far to help treat the problem, and to help keep nutrients in my system, but they don't help the underlying problem. In the end, I only have medication to turn to, and the love of great friends. My stress hasn't been helping. I had to watch my father's cat die a gruesome and unneeded death because FIV and an upper respiratory infection. I don't want to go into it again because my mind still hasn't healed from it, but I haven't had the heart to tell him. My mom and I have only told him that she was outside, and she never came back in. That we haven't even seen her. I hate lying to him, but he's back on a medication he doesn't need, and it makes him angry, derogatory, and he'll act out his anger by slamming doors, cussing, name calling, etc. I know when he's taking it because he falls asleep on the floor, and is angry when woken. He's also in and out of the bathroom all night long, and sometimes we have to wake him up so we can use the bathroom. My mother hasn't been much of a joy either, but I know most of it is because of him, and the fact that I'm going back to school, which means on Thursdays, she's going to be the one cleaning. Both of them are alike, and they don't even know it. Pushing me in one direction, even though I don't want it, putting out not so subtle hints about my life, and thinking they know what's best for me. They don't see my struggle, and I'm trying hard to keep it all together, but I am failing on a major scale. I haven't been like, not once in the whole of my life. Hold on, panic moment. ......... Alright. I am sorry if none of this makes sense, but I'm so drowsy, yet so scared I can't even focus. My friend sat with me on a livestream, trying to help, but in the end, the medication has to run its course, and I just have to try my best to ignore these feelings. I have to. School is at 1pm on Monday, and I can't fuck up the first day like I did a year ago. I refuse. I have to get through this, and I can do it. If you're reading this, and you've stuck with me so far, please, put a nice comment on here. I need all the support I can get while I ride it out. Gonna try to lay down and forget, but it might not happen. I'm so scared, but I'm not a quitter. I can do this... I can do this...