The Road Ahead

My ex's words still roll through my head sometimes; "Don't you think that one day you'll regret never going out, never doing anything, never taking risks? Do you just want to stay at home and do internet things for the rest of your life?"

At the time, I remember being pisses off because those words meant that in the two years we'd been together he never really knew me at all. He never took into consideration what I personally thought was fun. He's always been the one to charge headfirst into everything, never stop and think about the consequences of his actions or who it might hurt int he process, which is how he ended up in drug court for three years, and having his basic human rights taken away from him.

Now looking back, I can somewhat see where's coming from, but at the same time, it's never been in me to go out and take risks, because that's not what I find fun. A risk for me IS putting myself out on YouTube and exposing myself to whatever may come of it. And staying home? I love my home. I may complain from time to time about the people in it, but home is a place that I've helped create, it's something that's just my own, something I don't have to share with anyone if I don't feel like it. I've always been a loner, even while working. Given the choice of doing a group project or working by myself, I always chose to work by myself. In a group, you have to converse, share ideas, and you have no time to work and contemplate anything else. When you work alone, your mind buzzes with ideas, and it helps you to halfway escape the reality of the world.

Take for instance when I worked electronics at Walmart. While updating the shelf tags for the movies, I would be replaying old stories ideas in my head, trying to find a way to further the story, make it more interesting, or I'd be going over a past role play, imagining myself in the Forest of Light, welcoming and helping weary travelers, or working in the tavern, serving mead and food to friends, neighbors, travelers, and listening to their stories of far off battles, or trades between villages. The sky was the limit!

He never really understood how much I loved being in the thick of a daydream. I've always wanted to get a daybed or a really comfortable futon, place it underneath a window and just have a place where I can spend an hour or two everyday writing, daydreaming, listening to music and looking out the window, not having to worry. I can watch the clouds go by and wonder what the world looks like from up there, or imagine myself as the eidolon I've known myself to be, watching the world at night as it rests, and keeping them safe from the people who wish to do them harm. I don't like loud noises, and fast cars, and all the time loud rock music, and drinking, and partying, and large groups of people. Where's the fun in getting so drunk you can't function like a normal person? Where the fun in getting so stoned you can't move off the couch? I mean don't get me wrong, I like the occasional toke and sit back and enjoy, but not all day binges that leave me comatose. I don't like drag racing, and spending thousands of dollars tuning up cars for use in beating other people. If I'm going to spend thousands of dollars on anything it will either be a forever home, a cure for cancer, or a storage locker full of rare books. What's the fun in tuning up a car that you may end wrecking trying to beat someone to a finish line?

The way I see it, I can take any kind of journey I want through the internet, and connect with people who feel the same as I do. He basically said that I had no friends, but that's not true. I have friends in Australia, the Netherlands, the UK, California, Texas, Florida, Indiana, Ohio, Oklahoma City, India, Hawaii, and some even here in Tulsa whom I've never met. I may not be able to sit in a room with all of them and shoot the breeze, but we can play games together, we can Skype, we can laugh, we can tell stories, or be completely idiotic if we choose to!

And the way I see it, I've lived more by doing what I'm doing than I ever have when I wasn't doing YouTube. I get to talk to interesting people, I get to go to different places and do vlogs, or silly entertaining videos.

My road going ahead will not alter. I'm having more fun now than I ever have before! I'm still going to do YouTube, write, read, watch anime, explore creepy and haunted places, and daydream to my hearts content. Everyone has a different view of what is fun, of what is enjoyable, and I won't sacrifice for someone who can't be understanding. So, in truth, I can see where my ex was coming from, but at the same time, I know what I like and what I don't. That's what makes the world go round. The beautiful state of diversity.

And even if I never parachute down the grand canyon, sky dive, deep sea dive, bungee jump, or jump into a pit of spiders, it doesn't mean I haven't lived. It means I found what was right for me and I lived it to its fullest possibilities.