These are the exact words I'm trying to keep in my mind as things at our house progress from bad to getting worse, but in sticking with my New Years Resolution, I'm trying to find the positive.
Another section of our roof just fell in, and this time it was close to our central air system. Dad is going to have to pay to fix the roof because our landlord won't do it, and it just keeps getting progressively worse.
Dad is no longer on Methadone, which means he has none to give my mom and her hip is getting painful again because of it. That equals out to her not wanting to do anything because she's in a lot of pain. It's taking a toll on my dad and I because that means we have to pick up the slack.
I've been trying to get my sleep schedule back in order, but it's becoming a process. I'm up at 5:30 or 6am, depending on when my body decides to shut down, and then in bed by 11pm or midnight, for as long as I can stay awake till at least. It's hard on days believe me. I usually have to stay sitting up or walking around to keep myself from giving into the urge of sleep. But my mom is trying to make me feel like I'm a shit person because that means I'm not doing HER chores at night anymore, and she has to stay up later and do them herself. Like, last night.
I was so tired because I'd just finished scooping cat boxes, doing dishes, sweeping the floor, changing the cat paper, feeding and watering the animals, picking up my own room, and making out a list for my mom for the store. She was already out so it didn't make sense for her to have to come home to get me and go out again. We were going to have steaks and potatoes for dinner, and the night seemed like it was going well. Until...
I haven't been out of the house for a MONTH, let me just put that out there. I haven't gone anywhere except the store with my mom, and then that's the extent of my journeys. My friend agreed to dye my hair a BEAUTIFUL shade of red brown (I absolutely love it), and so I packed up to go over. My mom had said before that she would cook the steaks and potatoes, but turns out, that wasn't the case. She had EVERY intention of pawning it off on me so she could go back to bed and not move, as she hadn't all day. I just want to point out that my dad has worse pain in his back from the surgery he'd had a couple of years ago and has worse problems, but he still gets up and goes to work, sometimes a non stop 10 hour shift, whereas she will run him to work, come home, sleep until as late as possible, then get up, do the least she can possibly do, then go back to bed. So when I told her I was going to Jessica's she went ballistic. Said she needed help around here and I didn't need to go out this late (It was only 9pm). I told her I already did everything and that she said she was going to cook and make my dad Kool-Aid. So I go over, and I'm in the chair, and I get message saying we're having tacos for dinner and that she was going to bed when she got home, so I could take care of the animals. She literally did NOTHING all day and I was running on FUMES after 16 hours of being awake. By the time I got to bed, it was 20. I told her I was tired, and I had already done everything. She said to make sure the animals had food and that would be it. The animals had food because I fed them an hour before.
So, in true style, she comes home, and goes to bed.
I get up at 5:30am, body not wanting to go back to sleep, and I clean up after my dog who had peed during my sleep time, and she comes in and IMMEDIATELY asks me to walk the dogs so she could go back to bed. She was in bed all night!
I'm really trying to not sound like a whiny teenager and that's how it's coming out, but it's still raw.
I accidentally a message to her that I meant for a friend that states, "Once again, down to me to do everything", and she got so mad she told my dad, making it seem like I did nothing. Dad came in to make himself something to eat and I had a sit down with him. Turns out, he knows I did the cleaning last night, and I told him about the steak situation. He already knew. He says he appreciates everything I'm doing and knows I'm trying to get back on track. He's angry with my mom as well for not doing anything. When she was smoking, this was EXACTLY what happened everyday, except now she isn't lighting up and pawning everything off for everyone else to do. She's just pawning everything off for everyone else to do.
I was literally RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET and she couldn't handle ANYTHING. When she doesn't want to deal with something she goes and lays in bed and pretends to be asleep. Much like most of my life.
It's funny; once upon a time I hated my dad because he was overly controlling and rude about everything. Now I see why. I'm starting to hate my mom now, while growing closer to my dad.
But I'm looking towards the positive. I have no avenue left to me but to look towards the positive, or I'll become just like her, and where once upon a time I wanted to be as strong as she was, I realize now it was only ever a facade. Now, I want to be strong like my dad. I have only ever seen him cry three times in my 30 years of life, and each time broke me. I don't want to be lazy and have no one respect me. I want to be someone that people can go to and be like, "Wow, she's strong. I want to be like her one day". I want my future kids to look on me the way I do my dad right now, and not like I now do my mom.
But the positives and here are pictures to guide!
I put my Christmas lights, and not only have they helped me fall asleep at night and create a comforting atmosphere, but they have helped to keep my anxiety down, and it's very pretty ^__^
The black sheet up top is supposed to be reminiscent of a 4 poster bed top, and I'm going to find fabric to make the two lengths come down so it has the feel of the posts on the outside of the bed.
I also found a copy of the book, "Snow Flower & The Secret Fan", by Lisa See. The movie was phenomenal and the book is fantastic!
I got a new comforter and sheet set, as well as a new mattress pad and it's so comfy I don't ever want to leave it, but I know I have to, but I don't ever wanna XD Kind of a broken record but I love it.
I got my hair colored, and as I said, it's GORGEOUS!
Here is the brown it was before (forgive the darkness. I edited this photo and I had break outs at the time):
My hair was also cut, which is the reason for the bang curl. But here is the finished product:
And a little editing from me.
I have also been hanging out in Stream.me/Gh0st and he's been very kind to me. He's an aussie gamer who is a very cool person. I've established myself as "Momma Candle" or simply "Candle". The "Momma" is because when he gets sick, I always offer remedies and I try to make everyone feel better ^__^ I think it's my mission in life to help people, and that's what I aim to do.
I also got my end of 2016 video up on YouTube and it's amazing. I even left out the part where my ex tried to get back in contact (very recently actually, but I'll save that for my next blog post). I have an inkling to do a jumpscare compilation and I think that's what I'm going to get started on ^__^
But thank you for listening to me rant. I don't mean to sound like a petulant child, but when I moved back after the apartment fire, I had plans to be gone BEFORE my 30th birthday. Just didn't happen because she said she needed my help. I didn't thin that this was what it meant.
I have plans to be out within a year and I'm going to make it happen come hell or high water!
Much love to all of you for putting up with my idiocy.
You're all beautiful. And remember:
JUST KEEP SWIMMING!
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