Did you know that behind most of the players, there is a reason?
For most people, it kills the boredom. Put yourself in a fictional universe where you make up the rules and the hours fly by. You start at 10am and before you know it, it's 8pm and you haven't had anything but pretzels and soda the whole time.
For a few others, it's a way of connecting with people; to chop away the divide put yourself out there. There are many people in those chat rooms and forums. A great way to meet like minded people.
Then you have those that do it for the writing. Did you know that many writers who publish on sites like Wattpad started out by role playing? It's thrilling to find people just like you and hone your talents writing. Makes you feel better every time, and gives your self esteem a much needed boost.
But then, you have the remaining stories of why people role play, and it's a reason most people never think of; to escape. I'm not to meaning jobs or responsibilities, or even harsh realities like having to pay bills or screaming kids. But rather, to escape true pain.
Most people do not know that after an apartment fire in 2003, I was forced to move back home with my parents, and due to circumstance, I have not been able to leave. My health, lack of opportunities because of my health, and lack of resources have worked against me to keep me where I am. People keep telling me to leave, but go where? Where can I go where I do not have to rely on the kindness and charity of strangers? Where I can have my own space, no matter how small it is, and feel like I have achieved something? But I digress....
Yesterday, things came to a head once again, and I was made to feel my most worthless, and question every good thing about me.
I got up at 5:30am, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried desperately to have just more hour of rest, let my mind have time off, but body was having none of it, and I was forced int the waking world. I already knew it was going to be a day with mom hurting, and her letting dad take the car to work. She was still hurting, still not feeling well, and we passed the day in silence while I got up and did the housework again. I was even in the process of making dinner when I got a call from dad, telling me he would another hour at work, then he was running by the gas station, then home. I told mom, as she had asked me to let me know if I had heard from him, and what the plan was. She didn't want me making dinner because "there's soup up there, he can have that", but I didn't want whatever I could find. I wanted a real meal. So, after tenderizing, I put the steaks back in the fridge to marinate, and that's when all hell broke lose.
Mom came out of the bedroom and started screaming at me. The dog had torn up several things in the living room, and I hadn't yet been able to work my way there. She told me that if I had gotten up earlier, things would have been done. She threw in my face the fact that I had livestreamed on Facebook (for three hours she said, but it had only been one), that I spent eight hours online (I spent 4 hours watching shows on my phone, and then the next 4 reading), and how I wasn't doing anything to help the house anymore, and all I did was sleep. The thing about me is, I'm not perfect. I have a weakness, as both a Libra, and a Tiger.... my absolute hot tempered, foot in mouth, say whatever comes to mind to hurt the other person syndrome. I could have let the injustice slide, I could have fought her false allegations, but instead, I went for the jugular and reiterated, "Well I wonder where I learned that from!?". She was speechless, and I was thankful for it. I don't mean to say such things to my mother, but when she spends all day in bed after maybe running an hour, and then proceeds to tell me how I haven't done anything, and how, when she was my age, she was doing this, this, and this, I'm sorry readers, I couldn't do it anymore. I have fought so long and hard against the rising tide of guilt and of being my mother's constant scapegoat, that my patience and tolerance has long since faded, and I have become numb to other people's emotions.... unless I push them to the point of tears. Then and only then do I ever feel bad about it. No tears came last night, and she knew she was in the wrong, but was unwilling to admit it.
I messaged my father to make him aware of what he was going to walk into, and I proceeded to let her do her own dramatic show entitled, "I'm sick and I'm going to make you feel guilty by doing what you've already done and then some". I even remarked on it, but I kept my other thoughts to myself. I'd already crossed a line I wasn't comfortable with, and I wasn't going to press it just for the sake of hurting her.
Amazingly, it was around that time that my friend Jessica messaged me. She said she needed a hug, and I was afraid because she NEVER asks me to come over, and in my gut, I knew something bad had happened. Apparently, it was a night for fighting.
Her and her husband had gotten into it. His truck is breaking down and he wanted to go finance one, but like me he never pays his medical bills (though I can't afford to, and his work will pay him to do, but he chooses to keep the money that will get him out of debt), and so no company would ever consider it. But, like me, he took it a step too far. Said that she could pack her shit and leave, but she refused. He went to bed, and she came out to me. We hugged and stayed there, in 27 degree weather, her with wet hair in pj's, and me in ripped jeans and only a small hoody. We sought shelter under my carport and unloaded our emotions. It was a great help to both of us. After 15 minutes, we headed back to our houses and did what needed to be done.
Dad and I had a talk today, and once again, he's by my side. It's strange that my father agrees with what I'm saying, but I also think it's strange for him for me to by his side, when I spent so being my mother's lackey and lap dog. But truth be told, it's comforting to know that least ONE of my parents can see through the bullshit and be a guardian against the other.
Role play for me has become a sanctuary. I can become a different person, step into a different world, and none of the bullshit from my own life can follow. I don't see a screen and words while I'm typing. I can actually picture everything going on around me, and place myself square in my character's body, seeing through their eyes. Everything blanks out, and hours pass. My stress goes down, I'm happier than I have ever been, and I feel calm for the first time in a long time. You know that gamer saying that states, "I'm a gamer; not because I choose to have one life, but because I choose to have many?" That's exactly what it's like being a role player. Many different lives in many different era's and places. It slowly becomes an addiction to lose yourself to the majesty of these worlds, and you end up not wanting to leave it. That's exactly the case with me. It's not about killing boredom, or a simple way to connect with someone; it's about the writing, the adventure, and the absolute, perfect protection that comes from leaving your body, and letting your mind go on the ride of a lifetime. No more pain, no more fear, or sadness, jealousy, despair, hopelessness. Everything is alive, beautiful, and the journey only just begins.
I have a few close friends whom I used to role play with back in 2004, and they are the greatest people I know. I wouldn't give up this life for anything.
The art of role play is just that; an art. You can write one liners, small paragraphs, or even large novel sized paragraphs, but it's not about the text or the time to kill; it's about the safety, the protection, the adventure, and the majesty of watching your ideas come to life before your eyes.
I urge anyone in need of a vacation, but who has limited funds to try and role play at least once in their life. It works wonders for your confidence, happiness, self esteem, but most of all your motivation to try to work through the pain of your own life, to find the happiness that is waiting just around the bend.
I hope one day to meet you there, and we can embark on an epic journey together.
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